And like that, life changes

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve been MIA.  A random tweet, a quick peruse every few days through Facebook and my Google Reader but nothing more.  Not a post in a week, a few comments on other blogs, not much of anything else tough. Why?  Even after returning from an adventure of lifetime, I just couldn’t bring myself to post.

On Tuesday, June 21st, the first day of summer, the first truly nice day of the year, I went to work.  Then after a two and half week vacation I left work, unemployed.  That’s right, you read it right, I no loner *gulp* have a job.  For the first time in 25 years an employer no longer wants me.

I can’t even begin to tell you how devastated and how hurt I was.  Actually I wasn’t devastated or hurt–at first, I was shocked.  So shocked in fact, that I asked no questions, I didn’t cry (still haven’t…’cept a few escaped tears).  I gathered my things and left.

Numbly, I called my husband, who offered to come home early, told my Baby boy and then started in on housework, making lists of things to do, I did some errands and then got drunk, oh yes, I did.  I know, not the solution, but temporarily I felt good and that’s all I wanted right then.

I didn’t even spend my entire evening talking about it to McGyver, nope, not gonna talk too much (it might make it real).  Fortunately, I went to bed early enough to sleep off the effects and not be doubly miserable the next day.

I wasn’t alone in the change with the company, as a matter of fact there are 7 of us that are now without jobs. Can someone say “support group”?  If there are 7 of us, why do I feel so alone?  At a loss?  Who am I now?  What will I do?  Will we survive?

I can’t believe the amount of emotions coursing through me.  At times I’m positive and ready for new life challenges, the other times I’m pensive and withdrawn…playing my last employment over and over in my mind.  The never ending questions of how?  Why?  Could I, should I have done something different.  Am I disillusioning myself, was there any indication of what was going to happen and I buried my head in the sand?  Then there is the anger!  How could you!  I don’t deserve this hot mess I’m in!  What about all the good work I’ve done for you, does that not mean anything?

I keep picking myself up.  Like the mature (read: old) woman that I am, I have to face my situation.  I called family and friends, not to whine or complain but to let them know about this huge change in our lives (okay, so a little whining and complaining happened, but not much, I promise).

Unemployment doesn’t just effect the individual, it effects everyone they associate with.  When finances are reduced so are activities, extra-curricular things have to go by the wayside and you become must become frugal (this will be toughest for the Baby boy).  No matter what terms you left on, all those work friends drift away and an entire social circle, nay, your other family, dissolves right before your eyes.

Sometimes I think of stupid stuff like, I left this or that at work, or I didn’t get X done.  These random thoughts pop into my mind and I drift away into my old world, sometimes in the middle of the night, sleep then escaping me for hours.  And then the positive….

I’m a list maker, I’m a doer.  Haven’t I always wanted time to get yard work done, scrub my house really good,  devote real time to my blog and not just hurried posts?  What about that little hobby of jewelry making?  I could practice photography and teach myself Photoshop.  I could go to the cabin every weekend and not feel guilty about not getting work done at home…I have the week for that.  There are a million and two things to do, now that I have the time.

So I already find my days so filled with trying to fill them that I haven’t as much time for leisure as I thought I would.  I watched only a couple of hours of late night TV and spent little time on my computer, except to work on my resume and job search.  I have a feeling that time will pass quickly and that I’ll be glad that I got to spend this time with my Baby boy.

There it is, out in the open.  I struggled with whether to share my situation or not.  I believe blogging isn’t only about painting this perfect and ideal picture of life, it is part the bloggers life.  I can not categorize or separate every part of my life, they are to integrated, the good and not so good.  Blogging is an integrated part of my life also, I chose to share. Isn’t that first part of healing?

For my dear readers, I  hope I haven’t run you off with my woes!

So, here’s to the changes in life and making the best of them.

Now, please excuse me while I finally go bawl my eyes out.